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Monday, August 11, 2008

A Recent Loss and Painful Memories

I will have to ask that you all forgive my little pity party in yesterdays short post. I had just lost a good friend of 15 years. It may sound extreme to many that I got so upset when you learn this good friend of mine had four legs. But those that know me well, know I love my four legged friends and family members just as much as I do my two legged ones, and in some cases, maybe even more!

Tasha was no ordinary dog. She was naturally incredibly smart. She made us look good! We tell her something and she does it. Never had any formal training, she was just smart.

She once took a rattle snake bite intended for my youngest son! How many of you have a friend willing to lie down their lives for yours? I happen to have two! I am indeed blessed(one took a bullet(never mind it was a pepper ball, he didn't know that at the time!) to protect me!) I am not sure I have a human friend (other than my husband, I think he would!) who would do that for me!

This was also so hard for me as it brought back memories I have yet to deal with of my mothers death. The circumstances were very similar. Both were suffering greatly, and I held the ability in both cases to end that suffering. That is a great burden, not to be taken lightly!

One of my tattoo's is on my shoulder, and is of a cross:

I got this tattoo as my mother was dying. I had recently learned during this time, I alone held the ability to decide when and if my mothers life support would be ended. I know why she gave me that power, she knew I would be able to make those choices if the time came, but that didn't make it any easier! So, this cross represents the cross I knew I must bear. It is a heavy cross and weighs me down daily to this day.

Tasha like my mother suffered greatly...did I let either suffer too long? Was I too hasty in any decisions I made? Were lack of decisions(therefore a decision in itself really?) a wrong decision as well? Was I thinking of my needs more than theirs? As I said, it is a heavy cross....

I had grown up being told only God can give life, and only God can/should take it. Thanks to medical science, things are much more complicated today. A suffering person can live indefinitely thanks to machines that breathe for them and makes their hearts pump. But is that life? Is that life as God intended it? But at some point someone has to decide when to stop those machines, therefore taking Gods right to give and take life away and placing it in a simple mans(or women's) hands. I for one don't like playing God.

I thought I was crazy or over emotional when I looked into Tasha's suffering eyes and saw my mothers eyes. It is a look I will never forget. My husband later shared he saw the same thing, so perhaps I am not overly emotional. Actually I get accused of being cold at times, but it only appears that way as the emotions run so deep and hurt so bad, I don't want to bring them up to where I have to deal with them.

But everything has to be dealt with at some point, perhaps just not today....

1 comment:

Red said...

We put rosie to sleep 3 years ago and we still feel the pain.

I hope there is a Doctor Kavorkain when the time comes for me if I should need it.

I just blogged about death, becasue a dear friend lost her mother at an early age. Death is never easy, even if it is a blessing. I know few people who would want to be kept alive just to exist...I know I don't.

Losing a family member (And yes our pets become part of the family, for Tippy, our 55 pound pitbull mix, that we rescued from the ound, sleeps with my 14 year old duaghter) or a pet is never something we want to deal with. We cried for 3 weeks when Rosie died. But somehow, Tippy has filled that spot. What a galook she is, but we love her.

I will keep you in my thoughts. And nice ink. I'd show you mine,but there is a 6 inch scar there now trying to heal.